The Stripper At Seventh Heaven
by Apocalypse Pi
Summary: My first fic 8D. The Turks go to their regular bar after a long day of work. They see a familiar face...but who is it? Heresy and general fuckery inside. Written for a friend so loads of in jokes throughout the fic. Enjoy! :B
1. Wait, WHAT! D8

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters. They all belong to Tetsuya Nomura and Square Enix.  
**

After a long days work, the Turks decided to go to their regular bar, the Seventh Heaven, to relax. There was a show on today and they've announced a new stripper was up.

Rude: "I heard there's this new stripper working here now...apparently it's a guy with tits"

Reno stuck his tongue out "YEARGHHH why would you employ that! Strippers are supposed to be girls!"

Rude: "Well this one looks female enough…that's what people have been saying"

The waitress came to their table, which was placed in front of the stage, to collect their order "And what will you gentlemen be having tonight?"

"Double whisky on the rocks babe" Reno winked at the waitress and Rude rolled his eyes beneath his shades. "Ill have what he's having too"

"You guys staying for the show? It starts in a min"

"Yeah….I heard it's gonna be quite the freak show too!" Rude nudged Reno in his side. "OW!" He proclaimed "Well it IS!"

The waitress left and came back again with the drinks and the lights died down. Up came the orange sultry colours from the spotlights and lit up the stage where the single pole stood in the middle. The announcer started.

"And now Gentlemen for the moment you've all been waiting for! Put your hands together for this sexy silver haired mistress, SEXYROTH!"

Reno spat out his drink and choked "SEXY WHAT?!"

Out pranced the long silver haired general wearing nothing but a g-string and titty-tassels. The crowd roared and wolf-whistled at the stripper apart from the two Turks who were dumbfounded to see the newly imaged Sephiroth under the persona 'Sexyroth'.

"Oh…My…God…" were the words Rude managed to utter as the stripper started to straddle the pole rubbing himself against it causing the crowd to go wild once again.

"JIGGLE THEM TITTIES!" was screamed out from the crowd and the rest picked up and began to chant. The Turks were still staring with their mouths gapped open. But the moment was about to get worse as the former general spotted the two and began advancing towards the pair jiggling his titties of doom at turbo jet speed. Fuck.

"Fuck fuck fuck FUCK FUCK HES APPROACHING US RUDE WHAT THE SHIT DO WE DO?!" Reno screamed frantically flailing his arms in panic.

"LOOKS LIKE YOU BOYS WANT SEXY TIME WITH SEXYROTH ;D" He winked and inched closer to Reno

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAARGGGHHHHDUJFBDSFS" The red haired Turk screamed as Sexyroth's tassels of doom slapped him across the face several times. "SOLAIDHASPFIHDS HELP ME RUDEBUJFSOGDS"

"OH GOD OH GOD WHAT DO I DO?! D8" Rude looked around helplessly and came to a decision. He was definitely going to run away and leave his partner behind. "FUCK THIS SHIT I'M GOING ILL SEE YOU AT WORK TOMORROW!" He sprinted out of the bar like a cheetah abandoning the agitated screams of his partner.

"IUGSADLSAIDVSAFHVSAFVD-RUDEYOUSONFOFABITCHHHHHHHHH"

**-THE NEXT DAY-**

At the workplace, gossip flew over the place and nearly everyone knew about last night 'incident'. Elena walked over to Rude who was sitting at his desk.

"So err Rude…you…you think snorts you think…Reno's gonna come into work today chuckles her face was bright red trying to keep back her fits of giggles. "Or…or…do you like think…like…he's staying with that….SexyrothahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" She collapsed onto the ground with her hands clutched onto her sides. Everyone in the room fell into a fit of laughter but as soon as Reno and Tseng entered the room, silence fell over them quickly.

Tseng: "What in Gaia is going on here?!"

Reno: Don't worry Tseng; I know PERFECTLY what they are laughin' about. WELL you can ALL GO TA HELL" Reno pulled up the chair in front of his desk and slumped down, his arms crossed over his chest like an angry child. "Well GO AHEAD. LAUGH! SEE IF I CARE! I DON'T CARE!"

The sounds of muffled laughter emitted from Elena as the female Turk tried hard not to laugh at her fellow colleague. The silence was finally broken.

Elena: HAHAHAHAHAHA OH GAIA! WHO COULD HAVE THOUGHT YOU WOULD GET TIT SLAPPED BY SEPHIROTH!

The room fell into strings of laughter once again and Reno sulked even further.

Reno: mumbles _I fuckin' hate you guys_

**AND THIS IS WHY RENO AINT NO FUCKIN' QUEER.**


	2. The 'Whore Off'

**OH! THE EPISODE CONTINUES!**

Tseng walked over to Reno who was still crossed armed and sulking. "Explain to me what in Midgar is everyone goofing about?!" His arms rested on his hips like an angry mother. A _mother for_ fuck sake.

Reno: Nothing! I was at ta bar and… shudders …some weird ass stripper attacked me. But that stripper was Sephiroth! Well not Sephiroth anymore he changed it to 'Sexyroth' and-

Tseng: Sephiroth? SEPHIROTH?!" Tseng turned around and scrunched the documents in his hand. "So…the general decided to live the dream…MY dream"

Reno: what, WHAT?!

Tseng: Ten years ago, I was a student at the Whore Academy of Wutai. I was the best student in the whole damn place; I knew every move, every position and dammit! Full marks in my 'oral' exam!

Reno: …..WHAT?!

Tseng: I had it all until one day out of nowhere; 'he' came through the door…with his long silver hair, his tight ass and a bondage outfit so tight, his bulge was exposed to the world! He took everyone by storm. A PHONY! THAT DREAM WAS MINE AND HE DESTROYED IT!

Reno: ………..WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!

Tseng: Until that day, that one fateful day, the professors in the academy couldn't decide who the best whore would be so they put us in a sudden death match…called…The 'Whore' off. I was sure to win, I was taught well and I knew the tactics so perfectly to destroy him forever…but his looks were just too good and it won everyone over and he won…he won UNFAIRLY!

He threw his documents to the ground and turned around to Reno with his teeth gritted. "I've worked so hard to get to that stage and he just came and took it all away. Now look at me! I work at this dead end job in this _place! _Turks?! WHAT THE HELL IS A TURK?!"

Reno stared shockingly at Tseng without blinking an eye.

Tseng: I DIDN'T WEAR THIS PROUD DOT ON MY FOREHEAD TO FAIL! I AM GOING TO TAKE BACK WHAT'S RIGHTFULLY MINE! He shook his fist to the ceiling dramatically "**SEPHIROTH**! YOU HAVE MADE A POWERFUL ENEMY TODAY! PREPARE YOURSELF FOR ANOTHER WHORE OFF TO SETTLE THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL!!" And with that, Tseng marched out of the office dramatically like he was on a war path.

Reno threw his hands up in the air. "…………….WHAT THE **FUCK **IS GOING ON?!"

**-AT THE LAB-**

Hojo: tum-te-tum-tum! Oh those skeleton _bones_. Oh mercy how they scare! With _the hip bone connected_ to the back _bone_, and the back _bone connected_ to the neck _bone and the-_

_Intercom: Hojo! A crazed Tseng is coming your way!_

___Hojo: What?! What does he want! Can't you see I'm too busy trying to put legs on snakes!_

_Intercom: …._

Hojo: ….

_Intercom: ……._

Hojo: ….Um…send him right up…

Just when Hojo cuts off the intercom, Tseng bursts through the lab door like there was no tomorrow, panting.

Hojo: Jesus Christ man! What's with all the hubbub! Have you been running?!

Tseng: pants NO TIME FOR TALK! Hojo, I need you to do me that favour-

Hojo: OH NO! I'm not doing that.

Tseng: DAMMIT HOJO YOU PROMISED ME!

Hojo: CANT YOU SEE I'M BUSY?!

Tseng looks down to see a dead snake with one poorly sewn leg.

Tseng: WHAT?! SEWING LEGS TO SNAKES?! WHAT KIND OF SCIENTIST SPENDS THE QUALITY TIME THAT COULD BE USED TO FIND THE CURE FOR CANCER ON GIVING SNAKES LEG SURGERY?! AND BY THE WAY, A SNAKE WITH LEGS IS CALLED A FUCKING LIZARD!!

Hojo: …….D8

Tseng: calmed down Are you gonna help me or not? I really need you to do this for me! The time has finally come, you gotta help me man!

Hojo looked down in deep thought. After thinking for a good amount of time, he finally gave up and sighed.

Hojo: I'm a failure! Look at me! Sewing legs to snakes! I've hit rock bottom!

Tseng: No! You're the best damn scientist in this fucking building! I BELIEVE IN YOU!

Hojo: …….OK! Let's get this procedure on the ball!

**-8 HOURS LATER-**

Tseng: …

Hojo: …It's….It's beautiful ;-;

Tseng grinned. "It's…._time"_

**-AT THE BAR-**

Meanwhile, after another long day at work, the Turks yet again retire to their regular bar but this time, Elena and Rufus was with them and in an unusual event, Reno tagged along too…well…more like _dragged _along.

Elena: Quit your whining Reno! Besides, the only way for you to conquer your fears is by confronting them.

Reno: FUCK YOU ELENA! I TOLD YA, I DIDN' WANNA COME TO THIS STINKIN' PLACE! wriggles OW! YA FUCKIN' PINCHIN' ME!" tries to struggle out of Elena and Rufus' bind

Rufus: gets off the phone IF YOU DON'T STOP WRIGGLING I'LL FIRE YOU! goes back to chatting

The Turks decided to take the usual spot up front hauling traumatised Reno behind them. They sit down and a waitress turns up to collect their drinks order.

Waitress: And what drinks are you gentlemen ordering ton-

"Ahem" Elena clears her throat whilst passing a scornful look at the waitress.

Waitress: sighs I'm sorry….what drinks are you _ladies _and gentlemen ordering tonight?

Elena: Ill have vodka and coke

Rude: Ill have double JD on the rocks and a Martini for the President.

Waitress: Are you guys here for Sexyroth's next act?

Rude: Yup….we just can't get enough of that guy grins

Everyone except Reno snickers around the table.

Reno: AW SHIT. Just get me a huge freakin' bottle of JD! PLEASE!! I'M BEGGING YOU!'

Elena: Just get him a one whisky with ice.

Reno: WHAT!? NO!!

Before Reno had the chance to change his order, the waitress had already left and later came back with their drinks. The bar lights came down and the multicoloured spotlights came up softly illuminating the pole in the centre of the stage. This was a cue for Sexyroth's act and also a cue for Reno's night terrors.

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! HERE HE IS FOR THE SECOND TIME NOW! SEXXXXYYYYYYYROTH!"

The lights turn on fully and the song 'Filthy/Gorgeous' by Scissor Sisters boomed in the entire bar, Sexyroth entered strutting his stuff in a bizarre catwalk motion which made the crowd go wild. Reno slid down in his seat and pulled his shirt collar up to hide.

Sexyroth: I see you baby! Don't try and hide from me! ;D

Reno: NOOOOOOO-

Suddenly, the bar door bursts open dramatically and in stood Tseng in all his goddamn glory, Tseng who should stop fucking bursting through doors dramatically because he's causing the studio MONEY. The wind blew through his hair and the moonlight gave him a holy glow around his body like he's the knight in shining armour but he isn't. He's a whore in shining moonlight.

Tseng: STOP EVERYTHING! THAT MAN IS A FRAUD!!

Everything seized to a halt and everyone turned to the Turk stood in the doorway. No one was more surprised than the rest of the Turk's were.

Turks: TSENG?!

Reno: Oh boy…Oh shit…this ISNT good.

Sephiroth: BWAHAHAHAA! Look who returns! The broken whore!! Aww poor baby came back for more shame grinsyou should leave while you can because you KNOW it's over!

Tseng: NO. IT WAS NEVER OVER AND AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, I'M TAKING YOU DOWN!

Sephiroth: bwahahahaHAHAHAHAHA! WITH WHAT?! FACE IT YOU ARE NO MATCH FOR MY **BIG** GUNS! BWAHAHAA

Reno shuddered violently.

Tseng: OH HO! I THINK IT'S **YOU** WHO HAS NO MATCH FOR **MY** BIG GUNS!

And with that, Tseng tore off his shirt revealing his 'weapons of mass destruction'. Everyone in the room gasped. Three people in the crowd threw up.

Everyone: D8

Sephiroth: S-six?! SIX TITS?! T-THAT'S CHEATING! D8

Tseng: WHY NOT?! YOU CHEATED IN THE WHORE OFF!!

Reno threw his arms up into the air. "WHAT THE** FUCK **IS GOING ON?!"

Sephiroth: OH GAIA, I DID NOT! YOURE JUST A BIG WHORE BABY!

Tseng: DAMMIT I AM NOT!

Sephiroth: ARE!

Tseng: NOT!

Sephiroth: ARE!

Tseng: NOT!

Sephiroth: Bigwhorebabygoeswhat?

Tseng: What?!

Sephiroth: D chuckles

Tseng: D8

Sephiroth: smug face

Tseng: Oh yeah? Well…….YOUR MUM!

Sephiroth: YOU KEEP MY MOTHER OUT OF THIS! D'8

Tseng: mimics 'Look at me! I'm Jenova! I'm just a freakish alien head!'

Sephiroth: YOU TAKE THAT BACK ABOUT MY MOTHER!!

Tseng: 'I take cum shots to the face by Hojo'

Sephiroth: KJSDSA£g£yDFGFY£"Y£"! D'8

In full fledged anger, Sephiroth charges at Tseng with his head and collides into the Turk's belly causing him to collapse to the ground.

"**GGGGGIIIIIIRRRRRRRRLLLLLLL FFFFFFFFIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGHHHHTTTTTTTT!!"**

The words 'girl fight' were screamed and everyone in the room made a full circle around the fighting pair. Meanwhile in the fight, Tseng was pulling viciously on Sephiroth's long hair

Tseng: I'LL KILL YOU!

The Turk took a handful of the silver haired man's locks and jumped on his back and like a bull machine, he was desperately trying to hang on whilst his arch enemy span wildly out of control. He wrapped the hair around his neck and pulled hard causing Sephiroth to choke.

Sephiroth: ACK-ACCKKK-AAACCCKKK!! DX

The former general hoisted the Turk off his back and the crowd started to go wild and some started to throw money into the 'ring' as they placed their bets on the fighting rivals. Sephiroth carried the protesting opponent and span him around before slamming him down to the floor.

Sephiroth: pants its w-what pants yo-you get!

Tseng was still laid on the floor and the crowd behind him shouted and encouraged him to stand up and fight. The disorientated Turk stood up and swayed side to side, still semi-stunned from the attack. His double vision cleared and he saw his target standing as equally tired as he was, jeering.

Sephiroth: What's wrong? pants Baby needs a nap?!

Tseng growled and lunged forward with his head. Still disorientated, he missed his target and went into the crowd, the crowd pushed him back and he went flying into Sephiroth, hitting the silver haired man into the ground. The Turk was barely standing but as he saw his opponent on the ground he took this opportunity to perform his finishing attack. He picked up the man and made him stand still.

Tseng: I. WILL. END. YOU!

Tseng pulled his target into his arms and proceeded giving the sliver haired man a deadly 'bear hug' but because of their breasts of ridiculous size, many people in the crowd started to take precautions.

Someone in the crowd: OH MY GOD ITS GONNA BLOW!! D8

Sephiroth writhed and wriggled against his opponent, desperately trying to get out of this bind. Many people in the crowd threw up in response to Tseng's freak show of doom on his chest pressed against Sephiroth's.

Tseng: HNNNNNNNNGGGGH DX

Sephiroth: HHHHNNNNNNGGGGGGG DX

This was a dog eat dog battle and Tseng was literally a dog. LITERALLY.

Bar Owner: ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! BREAK IT UP! I SAID CUT THAT SHIT OUT!

Tseng released his arms and let Sephiroth fall to the floor, who was now completely KO'd. KO'd by the six tits of doom. Mate.

The crowd groaned and the circle became loose. The bar owner stood over the exhausted pair who were slumped on the bar floor. The bar owner turned to Sephiroth.

Bar Owner: YOU! THIS AINT NO FUCKING FREAK SHOW! I DIDN'T PAY YOU FOR THAT SHIT! YOU EITHER GET BACK ON THAT STAGE OR LEAVE!

The formal general glared at the bar owner and gave a little 'humph' before strutting to the back room. The bar owner turned to Tseng.

Bar Owner: AND YOUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH D8

The bar owner looked at Tseng, who wasn't wearing a shirt on, in complete fright still screaming. Don't blame him. Not many guys with six ridiculously sized tits come to a bar so often.

Elena: OH MY GOD. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. Please tell me I'm having a nightmare or did Tseng REALLY just walk into the bar with six breasts and fought Sephiroth?

Rude: Yeah. He really did. Too bad the President missed it all because he was on the cell.

Elena: Yeah….Boss' always too busy for everything…Hey, is Reno ok?

The pair both turned to see Reno huddled in his chair, rocking back and forth completely traumatised.

Reno: I…can't….unsee it…

Rude: WAITRESS! NEED A BOTTLE OF JD, STAT!

Just walking past their table was Sephiroth with his things heading for the exit. He walked past Tseng and flicked his silver hair slapping the Turk right in the face. The Turk growled and followed the former general to the door. Sephiroth halted at the exit and turned around to look at the man in annoyance. The Turk grinned.

Tseng: I won this round. Fair and square. It's over.

Sephiroth: No…I'll be back! THIS. IS. NOT. OVER!

**DUN DUN DUNNNNN**

**What happens next? Will they finally decide who the best whore is? Will Reno ever recover from his traumatised state? We will find out in the next chapter of the:**

**TALES OF IMPENDING DOOOOOMMMMM**

**D8**


End file.
